


What Ellen knows

by britishbossy



Series: Benji and Ellen - an impossible love story [2]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Ethan Hunt genderbend, Ethan is Bi, F/M, Ilsa is bi, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, female Ethan Hunt - Freeform, male Julia Meade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:02:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishbossy/pseuds/britishbossy
Summary: Ellen knows that she trusts Benji, probably more than anyone.
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt
Series: Benji and Ellen - an impossible love story [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553824
Kudos: 13





	What Ellen knows

In all her time in the IMF, Ellen Hunt has seen many things. She has lost her first team, killed off by their own team leader. She has lost many friends and colleagues over the years. When it got too dangerous she even sacrificed her marriage to Jude and let him go, no matter the pain. Ellen was a woman of logic and strength, knowing that one day, one of her old enemies would come for her personally and naturally target the ones closest to her heart. Jude had not been easy to convince of course, he had refused to give up on their love, ready to fight for her. To be fair, Ellen had expected nothing else from him. When they had first met, she had warned him about the difficulties of being with her, not only because of her job but also because of her personality. She was an independent nature who handled her own business and not many men were ready to deal with a woman like that. Jude had been the first man to be different. He truly loved her and would have taken on the world to protect her even though she would possibly end up protecting him anyways. After a particularly nasty attempt on his life she had finally convinced him that a fake death, followed by a break up would be best for them. Jude's stubbornness had finally dissolved when he had seen that Ellen had been truly desperate. There had been more tears than they had both cried in their entire lives and more pain than she thought she could handle. But just like with her job she took herself to a complete new level and evolved anew.

She is pushed to her limits shorty afterwards once more when she ends up in a Russian prison, being the only woman for she has not been able to hide her fighting skills. The most intimidating blokes who have probably done more horrendous things than she can imagine, make way for her in the corridors after she got into a fight with one of them at her first day. At least she won't be bothered that way anymore. She spends the rest of her stay in the prison mostly keeping up her training and making friends with Bogdan, a man whose face she remembered from years old records. He might come in handy one day. She tells him her name is Elena and that she's the daughter of an ex KGB agent. He believes her but still keeps his distance. He fears her. This reaction is typical and Ellen has only seen another two different ones towards her person in her life: Hatred and sometimes desire. Jude and Luther have been the only men so far who respected her from the beginning and have done so ever since. That's why she likes having the intimidating, big man on her team; he is a true friend and a valuable colleague. She's surprised when it's not him who breaks her out of prison. It's Agent Carter, a woman much like herself but younger, not quite as experienced, who has recently lost her team mate and obviously lover. Also, there's Benji. Benji Dunn, tech guy Benji. As soon as they drop off Bodgan, she voices her obvious confusion.

“Benji, how is it you're here?”

“Oh, I passed the field exam!” He answers proudly and Ellen can't help but smile.

She had not expected to see Benii out in the field some day. Benjamin Dunn was the typical tech nerd, a Star Wars fan, the stereotype of a man who barely left the house and probably lived in his mother's basement. At least, the last point could be scratched off the list, for Benji was British. When she sees him action during that mission for the first time she can't help but be impressed, well, apart from a few mistakes a beginner like him would make, while dwelling on this ridiculous hero worship he holds for her. Her mood changes briefly when he brings up Jude. Ellen has to remind herself in that moment to react like the mourning widow she's supposed to be. However, she's certain that Benji didn't mean to make her feel bad by expressing his liking for her late husband. So, she settles for staying silent, her mind focused on the mission, hoping Benji will eventually get the memo. He acts a bit like a schoolboy around her and if it wasn't so distracting and inappropriate, Ellen might actually smile at it. For all she knows, Benji is not much younger than herself, probably by three years or so but he behaves like a teenager on his first day on an internship in a chocolate factory. The image does not leave her for the rest of their mission, not when Benji throws a glove at the window next to her which sticks to the glass. Most of the time Benji is just...weird. But in a funny way. When it's over and she decides to call them all back to be part of her new team, she realises that for Benji this mission was something of a once in a lifetime experience. He is new in the field after all and it's all so exciting to him. Ellen thinks that her reaction would have been the same, had it not been overshadowed by the tragedy that followed. She smiles at Benji, accepting his hand when he gets up and leaves, being the first to sign up for her team. When he walks away, she has to stop herself from looking after him. The mission has changed Benji, she realises. He has had a taste of the danger and now he wants more. As an agent who has been active for 20 years, Ellen knows the thrill and she knows the risks. But she also knows that Benji won't be alone in this. They're a team, after all. She also wants Brandt in who is about to make a confession that's been eating away at him but Ellen already knows and stops him. He is the second person she tells about Jude's survival after Luther.

****************

07:34

07:33

07:32

The falling numbers make her heart beat faster but she takes a deep breath, waiting for Benji's response. The bomb is connected to a mobile phone and he's currently trying to hack into that connection.

“Come on, damn it!” She hears his distressed voice in her ear and looks around. She is in the middle of Central Park, hundreds, perhaps thousands of people around her. The bomb was placed right underneath one of the many bridges and Ellen can feel the water of the river she's standing in freezing her legs and feet.

07:21

07:20

“Benji, talk to me!” Ellen hisses into the microphone on her collar, slightly on edge by now.

“I can't hack it!” Benji lets out a frustrated growl and Ellen snaps into mode.

“Right, you don't happen to know how to defuse a bomb, do you?”

“What do you – Ellen, no! No, get out of there! We can evacuate the park.”

“Too late for that, they're maybe thousands of people, we won't get them all out in time.”

“Shit” Benji curses briefly under his breath.

“Any word from Brandt or Luther?”

“Negative. Now help me here! What do I do?”

“Okay, hang in there, Ellie.”

Something inside her briefly softens at this nickname. Benji has started calling her that whenever he needs to calm himself.

“Right, first you take off the wrapping, is there a wrapping?”

“Yes, there is, hang on.” She carefully removes the outer frame and throws it carelessly into the water. Benji must have heard the splash because he asks:

“What was that?”

“I'm standing in a river, Benji. What's next?”

“Right, tell me what you see.”

“Bunch of cables, wires, blue, green and red.” She glances up at the timer.

“And my minutes ticking by.” She swallows.

“Okay, don't think about that, focus on the wires.” Aware that Benji's trying to calm her, she bites back a comment on how to ignore a countdown of a bomb while defusing said bomb. She takes out her army knife, ready to cut whatever wire Benji tells her to cut.

“First, you cut the green one.”

Ellen slides the blade carefully underneath the wires and is already pulling it forward when Benji's voice stops her.

“No, no, don't cut it! Don't cut it!”

“Jesus, Benji!” She hisses.

“I know, sorry, skipped the first bit.”

“Benji, we don't have time for this!”

“Yeah, sorry, so you cut the blue one and then the green one.”

“Okay.”

She does as Benji told her. When she looks up the numbers again, the countdown has stopped. Ellen lets out a sigh.

“Ellen? Ellen, do you copy?”

“Yeah, it worked. We're safe.”

She hears Benji's smile in her ear before another channel is opened and Brandt starts babbling.

“Bad news guys, there's another bomb.”

“Where?” Ellen straightens up, ready to run in whatever direction.

“Grand Central Station.”

Ellen is already running when she hears Benji complaining over the missing originality of bomb makers and how their targets are always the same. She quickly rolls her eyes and keeps running, trying to shake the water out off her trouser legs.

********************

Their next mission leads them to Paris, or more exactly to the Ritz in Paris. They've followed the trail of a French weapons dealer who's set up a meeting there. As Benji needs to be inside said hotel to hack into the room database, he and Ellen go undercover as a rich couple. While Ellen gets to play the venus trap, Benji is to sneak into the computer room and do what he is best at, hacking. Ellen is changing into her (rather revealing but classy) red dress when Benji walks in, laptop in hand.

“Ellen, I've found the security cameras outside the -”

She turns her head, her dress only covering her lower half, showing off her naked back. She is installing her buck. Benji freezes and stares helplessly, his mouth agape. She raises her eyebrows expectantly and the technician turn around in a flash.

“Oh dear, sorry. I'm sorry, I should've knocked.”

Ellen doesn't need to see his face to know that he's blushing. It's endearing, really. She smiles.

“It's fine.” She says and looks back at him.

“Help me with my buck?”

“Wh-What?” Benji seems flustered but still doesn't turn around.

“My buck.” Ellen repeats and finally Benji turns to face her. He swallows visibly.

“Um, sure.”

When Benji fixes the cable on her back with tape, Ellen wonders if she's being cruel. She is aware that Benji has a crush on her but is way too shy to do something about it or perhaps he is just being professional like her. Still, she can't help but wonder if she just crossed a line by accidentally leading him on. Is she torturing him with this? The idea makes her heart sink for Benji is her friend and the last thing she wants to do is hurt him.

When Benji's finished, he also pulls up the zipper of her dress and steps back without a word, like a true gentleman. He is English, after all. She turns towards him.

“You okay, Benji?”

He blinks as if waking himself out of a daze.

“Yeah, 'course.”

“So, what did you want to tell me?”

Benji blinks once more and grabs his briefly abandoned laptop from the counter.

“Right, sorry. So, I've found the location of the security cameras of the salon. I've been able to hack into them which means they'll be staring at archived footage for the rest of the evening.” He smiles brightly and Ellen can't help but smile back. Benji always gets so excited on missions, it's impossible not to find it adorable.

“Good work.” She says and his smile deepens even more before his eyes find the ground. If she didn't know better, Ellen would go so far as to say that Benji is trying to impress her.

“Shouldn't you be changing as well?” Benji nods.

“Yeah, they've laid out a tuxedo for me. Hate those things.”

“Off you go then.” She replies, already busy with her gun and several knives which she will wear beneath her skirt tonight.

Their microphones fail. The connection is broken. Ellen is standing on the bar, monitoring the security guards. Benji has been busy pretending to tend to the buffet and now he's making his way over to the computer room. It's when Ellen sees three security men head over into the direction of said room. She can't talk to Benji, but he isn't looking at her, either. She needs to stop him. It's also then when she realises that their target has finally taken notice of her. It could be their chance to pounce. But what if Benji runs straight into the security guards? They can't afford to have their covers blown. She acts instinctively, leaves her spot and makes her way over to Benji until she can shout his cover name.

“Shaun! Darling, you promised me a dance!” She shrieks and stomps her foot in her best bratty rich girl manner.

Benji freezes for a full second, a questioning look in his eyes before he moves towards her with a smile and takes her hand in his.

“Of course, darling.”

As soon as they're on the dance floor, they start swaying in a slow waltz, and Benji is obviously nervous, for he keeps his hold on her light, afraid to overstep a boundary.

“Sorry.” He whispers every time his hand brushes a bit too close to her lower back or when they softly bump into one another but Ellen chooses to ignore it and watches the room over Benji's shoulder.

“They were heading for the computer room. Couldn't let you run into them.”

“Oh, thanks, um...sorry. Should have checked that.” Benji mumbles, and his hold loosens even more around her waist. When she assures him that it's fine, his hold slightly tightens once more.

It's the first time that Ellen notices his aftershave, or perfume for Benji wears a beard nowadays. It's subtle, only strong enough to smell when they're as close as they are right now. The beard lets him appear older but in a good way. He looks good, handsome, actually. She reminds herself of the French arms dealer, her target.

“Is he watching?”

“No.”

Damn, she will have to get his attention otherwise.

“Okay, let's move over there.” She tells Benji and motions direction with her eyes. He understands immediately but seems a bit too eager to change the position. She grabs his shoulder a bit tighter to get his attention.

“Benji, slow down. Try to act normal, okay?”

It's the first time since they began to dance that Benji is actually looking at her. He is only an inch taller than her now (even though, Ellen's wearing heels, yes, she is possibly the smallest agent in the whole IMF).

“Sorry.” He mumbles again, his eyes shifting away once more. For whatever reason he's worked up and Ellen needs to change that if she wants to keep their covers intact.

She squeezes his hand in hers and rests her head against his shoulder in order to whisper to him. She feels his posture stiffen.

“It's alright, Benji. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Stick to the plan, yeah?”

His answer is a deep hum that she more feels than hears. Before she can get to comfortable, she lifts her head again, just as the song ends. The security guys are coming back down the corridor, taking their positions around the room again.

“He's staring at us, or more accurately at you.” Benji murmurs, his tone cooler than before.

“Just in time. Your way's clear.” She answers and steps back from him. Benji glances at the arms dealer once more before he smiles at her and leans in to kiss her cheek. She plays along, as it is part of her job.

“Just be careful.” Benji whispers in her ear before he turns and leaves for the computer room. Ellen remains where she is and within the following three seconds, she feels someone step up behind her.

“Bon soir, madame.” She turns around and faces her target with a charming smile.

It's the next morning and they have accomplished their mission more or less according to plan. They're on the plane back to Washington, Luther is napping, Brandt is writing the report, while Ellen puts her headphones in and closes her eyes, trying to relax. After a few minutes, she feels a shift next to her seat and looks up to see Benji sitting next to her. He gestures at her ears and she pulls out her headphones in response. His expression is soft when he asks if she's doing alright.

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?” There have been almost no injuries this time, just a few bruises, she's tired but apart from that she feels fine.

“I was just thinking that sometimes it must suck being the only woman on the team, right?”

When Ellen furrows her brows mildly in question, he adds:

“You know, playing the venus trap and all that.”

_Oh._ Ellen thinks for a moment. It's not that she minds doing it, she's grown used to it over the years. Sure, it's not her favorite part of the job but she handles it just as well as every other part of it. There has never been a target able to force her into anything beyond reason.

“I'm used to it, Benji.” Is what she settles for with a reassuring smile.

Still, the technician doesn't seem to be satisfied. There is a frown on his face, barely there but strong enough for Ellen to notice.

“But this one, I mean, he was gross.” Benji pulls a face, mimicking the arms dealer's rather unique smile. It makes him look like some cheap villain from a movie and she can't help but laugh. Benji's face softens once more, growing serious again.

“No, really, he hasn't done anything...” He hesitates to name it but his worried look falling down her body tells her what she needs to know. In a sort of reflex to comfort him, she puts her hand onto his forearm on which he is leaning.

“He's barely touched me.” She answers truthfully. It dawns on her that she used not to think about it before. Of course, she is aware that such missions put her in a very specific kind of danger, as a woman. And yet, she's been lucky so far, so she does never dwell on it. It comforts her that none of her previous targets would be disrespectful to women for some time after they'd encountered her. She always taught them a lesson in that department. Benji seems to be reading her mind.

“Well, you definitely showed him. Otherwise I would have.” They share another smile and Ellen pulls up her eyebrows provocatively but says nothing. It's rather hard imagining Benji defending her honor. Benji, of all people. She is about to get her headphones back in, when her friend leans in closer once more.

“Hey, I'm glad, you're okay.” He almost whispers, as if he doesn't want anybody else to hear.

“I'm glad you're okay, too, Benji.” She replies easily. “You did good.”

The technician smiles again before he focuses on his book again. It's a comic book, no less. Ellen catches herself watching him briefly before she turns on her music once more and closes her eyes. The warm feeling of being looked after does not leave her for the rest of the flight. It's nice, for a change.

***************

When Lane first enters the picture, Ellen and her team function like clockwork. The fact that the IMF gets under attack at this time is not a surprise but it's not helping, either. She runs off into hiding, working on her own to catch the man who put her inside a box, making her watch him shooting a young agent, completely new on the job, no experience whatsoever. It was in that moment when Ellen knew she would stop at nothing to catch that man, where ever he might be. It's when she finds a trail that leads her to Vienna that she sees her chance to catch him. But she can't do it alone. She needs Benji. For some reason, he is the first person that comes to her mind when she thinks about whom she trusts the most. It's odd, considering that she has known Luther for much longer but she doesn't dwell on it. She is aware that Benji has been stuck at the CIA for the past months, being put through questionings every week, on her behalf. Therefore, she cannot risk to contact him directly. But she knows that Benji loves the opera, right where the assassination of the Austrian prime minister is planned to take place. So, she sends the tickets and hopes for the best.

When she watches him enter the building, her mouth quirks up. It's the first time in six months that she's seeing him again and she's happy about it. She has missed Benji. In a spontaneous action, she compliments his tuxedo but vanishes out of his sight before he can see her. She is not sure why she's playing cat and mouse with him now. Perhaps she just wants a little fun, once in a while and it's not like it's hurting anyone. Besides, Benji does look nice in a tux, even though she knows he would not agree.

They fail. The prime minister gets blown up in his car in the end. But they do have a new lead, Ilsa Faust, a woman as hot blooded and deadly as herself. Ellen has to admit that she's rather impressed by her. Still, the explosion as well as meeting Ilsa have left a bad feeling inside her bones. This is going to be much more dangerous than anything they have dealt with so far. And what kind of team leader would she be if she let Benji stay right inside this danger? So, naturally, she tries to send him away, back to where he's safe. She is not prepared for the outburst she's met with. It's the first time in all the years that she's known him that Benji raises his voice and stands up to her, telling her plainly that she's completely out of her dept and that he's staying, no matter what she's going to say. His conviction leaves Ellen speechless. Benji's right. He is a field agent and a pretty good one at that. He's also right about her needing him. Of course, she does but how can she admit that fact with his life being at stake? His reaction makes her feel confused, a bit proud, slightly irritated, too. But most of all she feels her heart soften at Benji's unwavering loyalty towards her. What did she do to inspire such an intense kind of trust? She looks at him, speechless for a moment longer as the knowledge that he will never leave her settles in her blood. There is no going back from that. And for some reason, it scares her.

“Okay.” She manages finally and Benji nods, his certainty already dimming again.

The fact that Benji's trust in her is dangerous shows when they find Ilsa in Morocco. Of course, Benji is certain that she'll be able to hold her breath for more than three minutes, no matter how often she tries to object. It is their only chance, however, so she agrees. It's only briefly before she jumps into the gigantic tank that Benji reminds her that his life is on the line as well and it's up to her to save him. It's all the motivation she needs.

“ _Anything for Benji”_ is her last thought before she takes the jump.

She died. At least, that's what Benji tells her afterwards. Ellen has no idea where she is or why Benji is there with her but he is. And that fact makes her smile. He's leaning over her, smiling when she breathes out his name, telling her she did good. She can't remember what exactly it was she did but his approval and obvious delight about it are enough to satisfy her in that moment. He is there, smiling and healthy, so everything is good. His hand is warm on her bare shoulder and she feels safe. That is until Ilsa knocks Benji out and runs off.

Ellen tries her best to keep herself going once more but her body won't listen. In the end, they chase her through the city, meeting Luther and Brandt on the way before she crashes the car and sends them flying backwards in it. They end up lying upside down and Ellen's eyes stray over to Benji, checking on him, just like he checked on her. He's unconscious but alive. When Luther and Brandt arrive, she climbs out of the car, relieved that Benji will be looked after and gets on a bike, continuing her chase after Ilsa. She follows her up into the mountains, getting rid off their enemies in the process but Ilsa knows her too well. She steps in front of her, right in the middle of the street and sends Ellen flying out of the curve and into the dirt. She's amazed that her body seems whole when she makes her way to a small café and uses their telephone to call Benji's number which she knows by heart.

They meet up and it feels a lot like back when they first came together in this constellation. Her team is what she needs, now more than ever and they're here, beside her, just as it should be. Her eyes meet Benji's and she lets out a sigh before she asks him.

“Benji, please, tell me you made a copy of that disk.”

And Benji, being his honest, kind, irreplaceable self smiles gently at her and holds up an USB-stick.

“Of course, I made a copy.”

In response, Ellen has a hard time suppressing her grin, the left corner of her mouth barely lifting. She loves Benji in that moment. She actually loves him.

They wait at the gate for their plane to take them to London. It is already dark outside and Brandt and Luther are heading to the next café, getting them all much needed caffeine. Benji is busy on his laptop checking data while Ellen does some stretching on the floor. Her muscles are burning but she knows it's a good thing. When she leans over her left leg to grasp her foot, Benji closes his laptop and leans forward on his elbows, looking at her.

“Hey, don't you think you should take it slow there?”

Ellen looks up at him and furrows her brows.

“It was only a tumble, Benji. And I got lucky that the bike wasn't at full speed in the curve. I'm fine.”

Benji huffs but he's not smiling this time.

“I'm not talking about that.” He nearly snaps and Ellen freezes.

“You died today.”

“But I'm alive again.”

“Ellie, you -” Benji breathes and looks away, his jaw clenched. Her stomach drops at this and she gets up, sitting next to him. He refuses to meet her gaze but doesn't pull away when she rests her hand on top of his.

“Benji, I'm fine, really.”

The technician huffs again but still doesn't look at her.

“It's just...for a moment there, I thought...” Ellen squeezes his hand and can feel him return the gesture. She knows how it feels, to lose a team mate. She remembers the shock, the instantly following panic and the never ending guilt. She would never wish this upon anybody, least of all Benji.

Ellen doesn't know it yet but she's about to get a taste of this once again very soon. But for now, all she wants to do is sit next to Benji, holding his hand until Luther and Brandt are showing up again.

Ilsa is asking her to come away with her and after a brief moment of surprise she asks herself why she doesn't at least consider it. Before she can even think of an answer it is thrown into her face with a bleeding absence – Benji. He's gone. They receive a video of the Bone Doctor throwing the unconscious technician into a van before winking at the camera and driving off. Ellen tries running after the car but it's too late. The guilt is immanent. How did she not see this coming? She's let him down, she's let her best friend down. Lane makes his demands very clear and she doesn't even think twice. She will save him, she has to, it's her fault after all.

While Brandt and Luther discuss a half baked plan she doesn't listen. She zones out, wondering why Lane took Benji of all people. It dawns on her that he must know how much Benji means to her. Not that she wouldn't do the same for Brandt and Luther or Carter or really any other team mate. But knowing Benji is in the clutches of a man like Lane has her downright scared. She has a hard time pushing down the panic and the question what if. That's what Lane wants, he wants to get to her emotionally, that's why he shot the young agent in front of her eyes. Because Lane believes that emotions are a weakness. He wants to hit Ellen where it hurts the most and she can't let that happen. She owes that much to her team, most of all Benji.

So, she goes to the meeting in a restaurant, where she sees Benji and Ilsa sitting on a table. Her eyes scan her friend for any injuries but the first thing she sees is the chip in his eye.

“This is the end, Miss Hunt.”

It takes her a moment to recognise Lane's puppet play and her heart sinks. The fact that he's using her best friend for this makes her blood boil once more but she pushes her anger out of the way to keep her mind clear and focused. Benji needs her. She carefully peers underneath the coat the technician is wearing, spotting a bomb. She puts her hand on Benji's shoulder, the only opportunity she has to let him know that she's going to save him. He nods, swallowing, barely keeping his tears at bay. He's so brave in that moment, she has to look away again to fight the urge to hug him.

For the rest of the meeting she keeps her eyes on Benji's but really she's looking at Lane. She gambles her way out of this one, not caring what happens to her, as long as Benji goes free. Ilsa is with them, pointing a gun at her when she asks her to. She repeats her demand and finally, the timer on Benji's chest stops. He breathes a sigh of sheer relief and so does Ellen before she sends him away.

“Go.” She says and hands him a phone.

He gives her the same look as he did back in Vienna that tells her that he doesn't want to leave her side. But this time he has to, it's part of the plan.

“Ellen.”

“Brandt and Luther are waiting, go.” She repeats, trying her best to convince him that she'll be fine. He keeps his eyes on her for a second longer, then glances briefly at Ilsa as if to tell her to protect her. Then he grabs the phone and runs off. Ellen almost closes her eyes as the heavy feeling is finally lifted from her chest as well. Benji's alive and safe.

It's the exact same thought that keeps her going when she runs from Lane. To lure him into their trap she has to play the victim, so that's what she does. She throws herself through a window and jumps into a hole in the ground. There, she keeps lying on the ground, long enough for Lane to come after her before she crawls forward, just behind the line of the glass box.

It works. Lane comes after her and they trap him. He repeatedly tries to shoot her through the glass but fails. It's Benji who lets the gas in and Ellen feels the satisfaction of rightness flood her veins. When Lane is loaded inside the van, she steps to Benji wrapping her arms around him. He hugs her back immediately. There are no words spoken between them. There's no need. Luther calls for them from the front seat and they break apart, switching back into focus. He doesn't meet her eyes.

Ilsa takes her leave and hugs her as well. Ellen has mixed feelings about her, she finds. They are similar in many ways but over the past years she has found that she's not looking for trouble, not anymore. Perhaps it's because she's getting older but she wishes for some peace in her life. And if she's ever going to be with someone again, he or she should be able to ground her and pull her back towards Earth if necessary because she knows that she's easily losing her grip on it. And Ilsa would be the wrong person for that. So, she lets her go and wishes her the best.

*******************

The IMF gets reinstalled. They're not the only ones chasing the Syndicate any more, which takes a bit of pressure from her shoulders. Still, she can't help the guilt that swells up in her gut, everytime she thinks about London, especially about what happened to her friend.

She visits Benji a week later. When the door opens, the technician is dressed in a Star Trek t-shirt and jeans. His mouth opens but no sound is coming out. Ellen buries her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket and smiles.

“Hi Benji.”

“Hi.” He breathes but doesn't move. He just keeps looking at her as if he can't believe she's really here. For some reason it makes her stomach drop uncomfortably.

They spent three hours in Benji's flat, chatting over tea. Ellen notices that he's jumpy, sleep deprived and busy burying himself with work. She knows these tell-tale signs better than anyone.

“How are the nightmares?” She asks eventually and Benji hesitates briefly before he answers.

“Dark. Mostly that and Lane's voice.” Ellen nods.

“Understandable.”

“Still a little pathetic, right? I mean, he never actually touched me.” Benji tries to laugh it off but she knows him better than that. She carefully places her hand on top of his on his kitchen table and feels him go tense.

“Lane used you as a puppet. He strapped a bomb to your chest. He's got into your head, that's how he works. He got into mine, too.” She confesses, trying to make him feel better. Benji doesn't seem to buy it but says nothing.

“Thank you, by the way.” He turns his hand and squeezes it gently. “For saving me.”

“Always.” She replies without a thought. When Benji smiles at her again, she knows it's true. She'd rather die than let anything happen to him again. She can't lose him, and she won't.

When they buy the plutonium, she renews that promise to Benji. He's shaking but trying to ward it off.

“Benji, relax.”

“I am relaxed. It is possible to be nervous and perfectly relaxed at the same time.” She smiles at his comment. Benji really is adorable.

“Does he look relaxed to you, Luther?” She asks, trying to distract her friend by mocking him.

“He looks scared as shit.” Luther replies over the micro and Benji starts fidgeting, asking her how she cannot be at least a little bit nervous, too. And Ellen is but her team doesn't have to know that. She's responsible for them and it is her duty to remain calm in order to keep them focused.

“Benji” She says without letting her smile falter. “I won't let anything happen to you.”

The technician huffs at that and looks away, his expression twisted into a sad smile. It does something to her gut but she can't let him see. It's obvious that he wants nothing more than to believe her but for some reason he isn't allowing himself to do so. As if he doesn't want to let himself believe it. Ellen wonders why but before she has a chance to think about it, their package arrives.

They lose the plutonium. But her team is fine. Hunley scolds her for it but she knows that it was the right thing to do. She has made a promise after all.

The CIA steps in and Ellen knows it means trouble. And Walker his trouble impersonated. He's a typical alpha male agent who believes in the power of fists instead of brains. Ellen saves his ass nonetheless, not even getting a thanks afterwards. She tries to brush their personal differences aside but Walker seems determined on giving her a hard time. He keeps ruining the plan and claims to be in charge. Ellen resists the urge to automatically roll her eyes at the tone of his voice. So, she is both grateful and confused when Ilsa appears. This mission is going to be complicated. In the end, they send Walker to meet the White Widow, impersonating John Lark.

As they listen in on him, Ellen walks up and down the room, nervous. She hates putting her trust in strangers. Then, the White Widow names her price and the whole team freezes. Solomon Lane. Ellen's eyes find Benji instantly, who swallows briefly before getting up and leaving the room, his eyes fixed on the floor. She wants to go after him but she's unsure. What if he doesn't want her to? Luther catches her attention by clearing his throat. Then he nods at her, understanding. She returns the gesture and follows Benji outside.

She finds him sitting on the stairs, his elbows rested on his knees. He stares into nothingness but straightens when he sees her.

“Hey” He says and tries the imitation of a smile. Ellen sits down next to him, her arm coming up around his shoulder. She rubs her hand over the leather of his jacket, trying to make her warmth reach his skin. She hopes it's what he needs right now.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just...had a moment there, memories, that's all.”

“We can do this, Benji.” Ellen says as confident as she can manage.

“And it's okay to be scared, you suffered a trauma because of him. We all did.”

Benji nods and takes a few deep breaths in order to calm himself.

In a spontaneous motion, she rests her head against his just as he turns to look at her. Their foreheads meet and he closes his eyes. She focuses on the sound of his breathing and allows herself to stop the world for a minute. Only for the two of them. Just a minute of peace with Benji. The smell of his aftershave is familiar to her by now, his proximity a welcome addition to her comfort zone. His deep voice is able to calm her down, even in the most stressful of situations and she hopes that she has a similar effect on him. No, she does, she knows she does because Benji already seems calmer than before and she hasn't even promised to protect him, yet. After a while the technician breaks the silence between them. He pulls back slightly and she follows, not wanting to break their contact, their noses brushing. She opens her eyes and finds his staring back at her. He exhales shakily. Suddenly, her heart beats faster than before. Her breath stops for a moment.

“Ellie, I...” His voice is barely above a whisper and she is about to close the gap between them when the door opens and they pull apart.

It's then when she finally realises what is going on between Benji and her. They're falling in love. For Benji it has probably been a long time coming. It's not that she didn't notice his crush on her but she had never thought that it could become more. It always seemed so far away, surreal.

During their mission, she doesn't have time to dwell on it, neither can she find the right time to let him know. But for the first time she's hyper aware of the fact that Benji is constantly

trying to impress her, to be strong for her. That knowledge has a heart melt a little more. They lose Hunley, Ilsa is chasing after them, trying to kill Lane and Ellen gets framed, again. It's them falling apart once more, but for some reason she is certain she can take it as long as Benji is there with her. His presence gives her the much needed power to carry on.

It helps her to win in the end. There are two men actually who she's going beyond her limit for once more. Benji and Jude. Yes, Jude is there, used as another tool planted by Lark to make her weak. But Ellen's emotions are nothing if not her strength and greatest motivator. She kills Lark and stops the timer while Luther and Benji defuse the bombs. They made it. She has four cracked ribs but they will heal. When she comes to, Jude is with her and her team is beside them, whole and well. Benji nods at her with a smile and she returns it, planning on talking to him as soon as they're on their flight back home. But the next morning Benji is gone. Luther informs her that they've been ordered back to Washington while he volunteered to stay behind with her until she is cleared for air transport. A wave of disappointment settles in her chest but she doesn't think too much of it. Benji and her have been dancing around one another for years, so what's a few more days?

However, back at home Benji doesn't return her calls or her texts which leaves her deeply confused. From Brandt she hears their favorite technician is doing field work again, a lot sooner than everyone (inclueding his therapist) expected him to. Ellen focuses on her healing, instead, deciding to stop by Benji's flat once he gets back. But he never seems to be there, anymore. Two months pass before she receives a call from a worried Luther.

“It's Benji, he needs you.”


End file.
